I'm fed up...

...feeling fed up.

I'm tired all the time. I can sleep for 10 hours then still nap for 2 hours in the afternoon. Now it sounds lovely to sleep that long but that's just not normal is it? This has been going on for some time and I'd put it down to work and shifts and loads of other things but enough is enough. Bursting into tears in my boss' office the other day was kind of the final straw!

I'm tired. Lack energy. Lack interest. More crabbit than usual. Poor concentration. I could go on but I won't. So, I went to my GP. Could I be anaemic again? Is it my thyroid? Do I have Sleep Apnea? Should I just give myself a kick in the arse? His answer was to order some blood tests and then dependant on the results of those, a possible referral for sleep studies as he agrees it could be Sleep Apnea.

My own diagnosis is Sleep Apnea. I snore. Bad. My partner can still hear me snore when he has ear plugs in. That's not good. Mum says she's heard me make weird "sing songy" noises in my sleep. Again, not a positive thing. Untreated, Sleep Apnea can be the cause of a lot of my symptoms mainly due to lack of proper REM sleep. The brain is constantly woken for split seconds when oxygen levels drop and it has to kick in the response to breathe again. This means it never gets a chance to rest and repair as it's supposed to while asleep. This results in feeling tired during the day and poor concentration amongst other things. I don't wish for it to be S.A but if it is, I know the treatment makes an almost instant difference and that's reassuring.

I've been for my fasting blood test today and the results will be in early next week. It's only the second time in my life I've had blood taken on the first attempt! Woohoo!! I usually end up covered in bruises from multiple failed attempts. My veins are elusive lil buggers when they see a needle comin at them. Either that or I like my blood where it is thank-you-very-much. Nothin wrong with that.

So we wait and see what the blood tests say. I'll let you know how it goes.

It's almost over

So, the higher duties job is almost finished and I can say with all sincerity, I'm glad. It's been a learning curve of fairly steep proportions and I'm happy to have had the chance to do the job. I've learned huge amounts about myself and others during this time.

I have found that my Granny was right when she said "empty vessels make the most noise". When it comes to patients moaning and creating a stooshie, they are waaay louder than necessary and suck up the surrounding oxygen with such vigour it deflates and exhausts all of those who try to assist and appease. The ones who say little and accept the explanations of rescheduled surgery with good grace are fortunately (for me) the majority of the ones I've experienced during this job. I am thankful for that. Truly.

I've confirmed my belief that medical staff can't see stuff unless it jumps up and bites them on the arse. I used to call it a 'boy look' when you couldn't see something that was right in front of your face despite claiming you'd looked for it but I've now renamed it 'doctor look'. Honestly. *rolls eyes*

I'm still leaning to multi-task or have several conversations at once. It's just not my thing to have several plates spinning at once. I'm very likely to end up with a pile of broken crockery at my feet doing that. However, I'm better at taking a breath and dealing with it rather than getting ratty. (Who me? Get ratty? Moi? Never! pmsl) It's not yet a perfected technique by any means but it's an improvement.

As an aside...the strike last week went quite well. We were a 4000 strong group who said we were willing to stand up and fight for decent nurse : patient ratios. We've convinced the State government to sit down and negotiate at least so all is not lost, yet.

All in all, it's been an interesting couple of weeks. I'll be delighted to hand the reigns back to K upon her return next week. I'm actually kinda looking forward to doing my night shifts next week. Fewer phones ringing. No relatives. Patients asleep. Peace and q.... actually a true nurse never says the Q word cos the minute she does the shit usually hits the fan big time!

I'll keep you posted.

The working week

Well, I've done 7 shifts so far, in my new temporary role at work and all I can say is...I'm glad there's only another 10 to go!

The job itself is time consuming. The phone never stops ringing, my colleagues have questions they need me to answer plus patients need attended to, in what have been huge clinic numbers this week. On top of all that I'm supposed to do statistics, check over admission paperwork, have meal breaks, attend in-services/meetings and so the list goes on. It's bloody exhausting. I don't know how K does this job day in day out.

I've often said to K, when I see her still there at 17:00 to go home. Now that I'm in her place I can see why that last 30-45 mins is so useful. It's quiet as most people have gone home. The phone doesn't ring and you can get shit done with no interruptions. It's bliss. I've gone without meal breaks too which I promised myself I wouldn't do but it's just so hard to get away. It got to the stage one day (I'd had no break and it was 13:30) when four people called my name in around 30 seconds I had to say "stop". I calmly explained that I'd had no break, my blood sugar was in my boots and brain cells were dying by the second so it would have to be one conversation at a time, "who's first?".

Added to the job itself there's the travelling times. As the job is 08:00 til 16:30, I'm catching peak hour traffic in both directions. It's now taking me 50 mins to get to work and just over an hour to get home (30mins and 45 mins respectively on an 07:00 til 15:30 shift). I would get the train but there are no parking spaces at any nearby station by around 06:45 so that idea is gone. So I'm stuck with driving...in traffic littered with some of the worst drivers on the planet.

Sydney drivers are arrogant, ignorant, impatient and just plain rude. They cut you up and under take you only to get one car further ahead. They drive up the arse of the car in front which results in slamming on brakes as it's obviously just too difficult to look ahead and judge what the traffic flow is doing. GRRRRR. By the time I get home I'm done in and usually annoyed at being almost driven off the road!

I have another two weeks of this job to go and I'll be delighted to hand the reigns back to K upon her return. It's certainly been an eye opener and an experience but not one I'd like to do on a permanent basis. K has my admiration (well she had that anyway but it's increased in it's proportions) for the job she does. I'm pleased to have had the chance to do something different but I think I'll be glad to go back to the ward when the time comes.

Oh and it'll be interesting to see what happens on Wednesday this week when we go on strike for improved working conditions from 10:00 til 14:30. I'll let you know how that goes.

oooh

twice in one month so far...how long will it last I ask myself?

So, from tomorrow for almost 4 weeks, I embark on a new role at work. I'm attempting to fill the very large shoes of a colleague who has buggered off on a well deserved holiday.

Now, this seemed like a good idea when I volunteered myself several months ago but now it's almost tomorrow I'm not so sure hehe! The RN I'm covering for has changed the clinic department massively since she began last December. Now the job is quite a challenge and no two days are the same. She copes admirably with the abuse and whingers (both staff and patients) every day and seems to still have a smile on her face.

We are very different personalities and I'm not so tolerant of the eejit population we come into contact with on a regular basis. I also sadly lack her skills of abstract thinking and instant problem solving. So you see why I'm beginning to regret putting my name forward?

I'm thinking that if, by the time she returns, I've not lamped someone or gotten myself fired I'll have done a good job LOL. There are administrative things to do which I can ask for help on if I need it but it's the day to day decision stuff I'm panicking about. Everyone seems to call her name and I'm not sure how she copes with it. Watching her at work makes my head spin sometimes never mind actually doing the job. I like to do one thing at a time minus interruptions so basically I'm fucked right from the start. :- (

I tell myself it'll be a challenge and that it's only for 3.5 weeks but I'm not sure I'm convincing myself. I guess I'm just gonna have to give it a go. As long as no-one dies I think I'll get away with it ;- ) The lady I'm being understudy for will receive a warm welcome back upon her return especially from me!

I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Has it been that long...

since I last blogged?! Shame. On. Me. *hangs head*

It is said,

'The road to hell is paved with good intentions'.

Now, off the top of my head I've no idea who actually said this but it's true. Over this last year I've intended to do a lot of things. How many have I accomplished? Not as many as I'd like. The list of intentions goes something like this...

• Losing weight

• Getting fit

• Having a usable craft room and actually using it

• Clearing clutter (or stopping myself accumulating more of the damn stuff)

• Saving money for a rainy day

• Keeping in touch with family and friends more often

• Trying not to stress and be crabbit all the time, both at home and work

• Writing in this blog regularly as well as reading all my favourites

... Yadda Yadda Yadda. Sounds like a New Year Resolution list doesn't it?

I procrastinate. I become absorbed in the internet/Facebook/Blogs rather than be productive. I have books I could be reading, cupboards I could be cleaning, crafty things I could be finishing (as I'm the Queen of the incomplete sewing project) and many other wonderfully interesting pastimes too numerous to mention. Nothing gets finished as I seem to have the attention span of a goldfish. Or maybe I just don't see things through to the end (oooh that's deep for this time on a Friday night LOL) but lets not go down that road at this point in time shall we? Dangerous territory lies there methinks.

Anyway, as I've promised before to this blog, I'm gonna try harder. Not just on blogging more often but on all the other stuff I've mentioned above. Maybe if I put it out there in cyberspace I'll have to follow it through and commit properly...then again maybe not who knows.

"There are more things in heaven and earth Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." Hamlet, William Shakespeare
(or the fabulous movie L.A Story with Steve Martin and the philosophical road sign. I love this film.)

Sustenance

It's a Saturday afternoon, the furry boys are snoozing somewhere, partner is in bed having a kip after an 03:30 rise for work, it's raining outside, I'm still in my pj's and I'm making soup.

There's something about making soup that reminds me of my Granny. She made the best soup I've ever eaten. I don't know what she did to make it taste so good but I've never been able to recreate hers. It usually tasted even better on the second day too! Mine is okay, don't get me wrong but it just doesn't capture my Granny's version at all. Oh well, I guess it's not supposed to anyway. Each generation adds their own something and so it evolves.

Winter is the time for making thick soups that are almost a meal in themselves. I love hearty soups with a hunk of bread cos they're easy to eat and fill you up too. I'll divide mine up into portions and freeze it so I can take it in to work for lunch. Yummy. It's also a sneaky way to get veggies into my diet cos I'm not that great at the 5:2 (veg:fruit) recommended every day.

My partner probably won't eat it... All the more for me! yaaaay!

Being mindful.

So, my last post was the Desiderata. I've read it before but this time, when I read it in an email I was sent, it struck me how simple the suggestions are. It asks that you slow down and listen to people, take care of yourself and to be mindful of your surroundings. I do none of these things on any kind of regular basis, especially at work.

I work in the public sector as an RN and we are advertised as "the caring profession". However, I would like to know when someone is going to care for me. I am often spoken at in anger and frustration by patients and relatives who do not like to be kept waiting. I myself don't like to be kept waiting but would like to think I'm a little more personable to the people who make me do so than the folk I encounter on a daily basis.

I wonder if the world we live in has fostered this need for immediate gratification even in the arena of health care. Managers want patients treated faster and beds to be turned over quicker so as to justify their audits and financial targets. Patients don't want to wait for antibiotics to work or for surgery to be carried out in order to improve their health. Everything must be done yesterday to appease this need for constant motion, even if it is backwards!

Nurses are being stretched to their limits and sometime soon that elastic band is gonna snap. I get home sometimes, feeling like I've been running on the spot all day dodging bullets. If we ask for help, we're told to provide evidence that there's a problem. To provide that same evidence requires an audit or questionnaire or some other piece of paperwork to be completed, usually by an RN who is already struggling to give basic care to her patients. I get that black & white proof is irrefutable evidence that cannot (should not) be ignored but come on. We already complete enough paperwork on a daily basis to fell several forests and the thought of more is soul destroying and taking me away from what I'm supposed to be doing... Nursing!

I would love to take heed of the suggestions offered in the Desiderata and put them to use at work. I'm afraid the hospital management would most likely think I'd flipped my lid if I used it as defense when things weren't moving quickly enough for them. I don't want to feel like I'm pushing against a brick wall but I am and as a result I'm usually not the kind of person I'd ideally like to be as a colleague. I don't know if that's my own opinion or if my co-workers would agree but that's the way I feel most days.

How do I fix it? Who the hell knows? I understand that I alone, am responsible for my own behaviour and mental health so maybe I do need to be more mindful. If I slow down and listen to the world, maybe just maybe, the world will stop and take a breath with me too.

Then everyone can get what they want but just a little later than scheduled ;-D